Things I’ve Learnt About Horses.

Livery yards are not full of ultra fit young ladies in white jodhpurs & show jackets despite what adverts/film/TV would have you believe.

Mucking out - again
Mucking out – again

I can now tell the difference between a cheap pitchfork & a decent one.

2 tonnes is the daily amount a horse shits.

A bucket that costs 99p at B&Q will cost £9.99 at a horsey shop.

6 months ago if a horse bared it’s teeth, flattened its ears & went for me. I filled my pants with shit. Now it just gets a slap & shouted at.

If a horse stands on your foot no amount of pushing will shift it.

The horse is perfectly designed by nature to covert £ sterling into shit. Literally.

If a horse can do something stupid it will do it.

horseplay
horseplay

Horses like to knock over wheel barrows piled high with shit.

January at 5am is an awful time of day to be at a stable so I let Sarah do this.

A saddle. An item crafted out of the finest leather & costing upwards of £1k that never fits your horse.

You can ACTUALLY wear out a pair of Wellington boots in 6 months.

A decent pair Wellington boots that last 6 months cost around £100.

The vet. A nice man that turns up regularly & empties your bank account.

Grooming. It takes hours & is the green light for your horse to then go and roll in mud, shit & probably fox poo.

Badgers. Stripy Field Pandas that turn a paddock into a lunar landscape.

Horse dentist. A barbaric man with steel toe cap boots, a bucket of big rasp files who turns up & empties your bank account.

Farrier. A really nice bloke who turns up & empties your bank account every 6 weeks in exchange for putting bits of metal on your horses feet which fall off with 10 minutes of him leaving.

Your account is now overdrawn!
Your account is now overdrawn!

Horse Walker. A giant electrified hamster wheel for horses.

Crop. A whip thing covered in mud & hair & not at like the ones in Anne Summers.

Wheelbarrows. I can now tell the difference between a good one & a bad one. A good one has a low centre of gravity. A bad one falls over as soon as a horse so much as farts near it.

Ragwort. A weed that buggers up horses.

Ragwort.
Ragwort.

Water bucket. A container holding fresh water into which a horse must shit at the first opportunity.

Horse Teeth. Giant chisel like things that the bastards like to grab you with the instant your not looking.

Hunting. A big excuse for lots of horsey people to race around the countryside, looking posh with loads of dogs & never ever seeing a fox. Mainly because I shot the fox 2 weeks ago. And a nice excuse for yobs in balaclavas to have an outing & desperately not admit to it being a class war. Despite the people with the horses having more of an empty bank account than they do.

Horsey Maids. As a teenager I was lead to believe these were fit & dirty. Now I know there mainly just dirty. Usually with mud & shit.

Being run over by a horse feels exactly the same as being run over by a car. I done both & can confirm this to be true.

6 months ago, watching my beautiful girlfriend, riding a demented, bronc’ing, rearing fiery horse filled me with dread. Now I just accept it’s what happens.

I am a unicorn.
I am a unicorn.

4 hours is the time it takes to use a foot pump to inflate a 7.5 tonne horse lorry tire to 85lb PSI with a foot pump.

Stock fencing. An object that any horse treats as a challenge. It’s to be jumped, kicked, leant against until it snaps at any opportunity.

Electric fencing. Decorative tinsel for ponies!

Horse worms. Jesus!!!! Wtf is that about! There HUGE! A ball of grass snakes just fell out of your horses bum. Apparently this is because the previous owner used a ‘herbal remedy’ & not a proper medication.

Don’t wrap the lead rope around your hand. Because a dangerous empty bag of Quavers, which are well known for attacking horses, will blow past in the wind causing the horse to bolt in panic & will pull your fingers out of their sockets. This hurts enough to make you vomit.

Four legs, two ears, one horsepower, half a brain.
Four legs, two ears, one horsepower, half a brain.

Horse rugs. Why do we always need another one? What does this one do that the other 76 don’t do?

The lady that takes all the rugs away once a year & cleans them: exactly how big is her washing machine???

Tack Room. A locked room at the stables where the riders finest and most expensive equipment is lovingly stored at the perfect temperature to create mould growth on the finest English leather saddles. Appears to be run by mice.

Feed Room. A room at the stables where weird and wonderful horse feed is stored and the bottom corner of all feed sacks seems to be missing. Appears to be run by rats.

Sugar Beet: Weird pellet looking things that get fed to horses. It must be given in small quantities and only after a through soaking in water for 24 hours. Unless you want to be shouted at and spend the next 10 hours walking the horse around in circles least it explode.

Oats: Amphetamine for horses. Not the same as porridge oats. Tastes like crap if you try this. Please trust me on this.

Carrots: Orange root vegetables that horses love. Makes the horse very aggressive and will try to bite you when the carrots run out or if it perceives the other horse is getting more carrots.

Horse Saliva. Thick gloopy slobber that horses like to adorn me with. Smells nasty and is hard to remove from clothing, hair and wounds. Has the ability to instantly turn a nice jumper or tee shirt into one that ‘I will just keep for going to the stables in’

Old Clothes. Before horses I never had old clothes. Now all my clothes are old and have saliva stains and bite marks.

Flat out - just once in a while it's worth it.
Flat out – just once in a while it’s worth it.
Carriage driving at Catton Park.
Carriage driving at Catton Park.
A fine evening to ride out.
A fine evening to ride out.
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15 thoughts on “Things I’ve Learnt About Horses.”

  1. Clearly you have not been on the wrong end of a horse with a cold, about a cupful of bright lime green snot will evacuate the horse at speed when he sneezes!

    When I first started my photography blog I commented that I used to think poverty was owning a horse, but now I know its truly photography. Mind you cameras don’t need feeding every day or even better, don’t need mucking out either!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is awesome, as my kids would say and had me in stitches. I will take it as forewarning never, repeat never, to surcome to the lure of horses as pets.

    Liked by 1 person

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